It all began...

This is a rather long post and it gets kind of graphic. So beware.


I met my husband at church. We started dating in March of 2008 and after 2 weeks he said he loved me. We wanted to get married. We were married in October of 2008 after only dating 8 months. Marriage was hard for us at first. We were a bit older than most and we each had a house, we were established in our careers and our personality's for that matter. We decided to rent my husbands house and move into mine. Squeezing two peoples lives into a small house was not easy. We have been going to counseling ever since and it helps a lot but we did not want to start having kids right away because it was already so difficult and we knew a child would only make things worse. We decided we would start trying in January of 2011. We were doing much better in our relationship at this time and knew it was time for the next chapter in our lives. For some silly reason i thought i would get pregnant the first month we tried. Much to my dismay we obviously did not. We tried for a year. This was the norm for most people. I kept being told it took most people that long so i shouldn't worry. My husband kept telling me to go to a fertility specialist but i only listened to everyone else. I finally talked to my Gyno about testing. First we had my husband tested. Everything was fine. I had progesterone levels drawn that said i was ovulating at a good level. Then in February i had to have a hysterosalpingogram. It was one of the most painful things i ever had done. It showed that my left tube was blocked and the radiologist asked if i had ever been diagnosed with endometriosis. I said no. When my doctors medical assistant called to give me the results she said that the dye had probably pushed out the blockage and that i should try for 3 more months and see what happens. I asked her about endometriosis and she said i did not have it and that the doctor would have done a workup if she thought that i did. Why oh why did i listen to her? We tried for another couple of months and then in may i talked to some friends that told me to stop seeing my regular doctor and to go see this fertility specialist. I made an appointment the next day. He told me my tube was still blocked and that my progesterone levels were low and that my husbands sperm showed some abnormality's. What!!?? I was shocked. Had all my doctor told me a lie? I was so mad. I felt like i had wasted so much time listening to her. That is another story though. He started me on a medication that would help me ovulate more and started husband on a vitamin. On day two of that medication i was in the most excruciating abdominal pain and i had so much diarrhea that i started pooping blood. I had to go to the E.R., they did a CT scan and my bowel looked all twisted and inflamed. They called my G.I. doctor and she said i needed to have a colonoscopy right away. I called the fertility doc and he said stop taking the medication right away. I had a colonoscopy a few days later and she said my bowel was all blocked and she couldn't even get the scope through and that there was something very wrong. They did not attribute it to the medication though so the next month i started it again. Once again i was in horrible pain. I called the fertility doc and he said to stop taking the med and get all this bowel stuff worked out before we tried anything else. He said he thought i had endometriosis and that it probably involved the bowel and the bladder. I had been having bladder pain as well. He referred me to a specialist and told me to see if she would do surgery to remove it. I saw her, she did an exam and she ordered an MRI and we scheduled surgery. In July i had laproscopic surgery. There was endometriosis supergluing my bladder and uterus together. It was wrapped around my left tube causing the blockage and it was stuck to my bowel and my bowel was shoved clear up into my abdominal cavity. So they released it and put it back into its correct place. I was so hopeful after the surgery. I knew i was suppose to have that surgery before i could get pregnant. Had i gotten pregnant with all those problems i may have ended up in the ICU or worse. This was the prime time to start trying. We decided that i should start clomid and do IUI right off the bat. Endometriosis grows back after all. So this is month 2 and it was negative again. Do we try again? I don't think it will work. I'm hopeless and i worry about money. Are meant to have children? Maybe we are suppose to adopt. I have so many thoughts and questions but no answers. So this is my story and this is where we are now.

Another negative

The only reason i got out of bed today was to take a test. I got IUI 2 weeks ago today. Today is day 28. I am suppose to start my period but i probably won't for another 5 or so days. So frustrating. The test was negative. I feel hopeless. Why are we even doing this? It is never going to work. Why are we spending the money?

The other day i went to dinner with some friends. They know i cannot get pregnant. They can both get pregnant whenever they choose. It was an uncomfortable and awkward dinner and it made me sad. The only thing they want to talk about is their children but they know it is a sore subject for me so they are cautious. But when they do talk about them i have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I can't relate. We have nothing in common anymore. They didn't know what to ask me about, afraid of bringing up any questions about me being pregnant but knowing that there was nothing else really going on in my life. So it was just silent a lot. And like i said, uncomfortable and awkward. I tried asking them things but it was the same, because i have nothing in common with them and i cannot relate. The same thing happened yesterday. I went to have craft day with my sisters in law. They all have kids. One has an 8 week old newborn. And once again i felt out of place and alone. Only it was a little different this time. Because they have no idea that it pains me to hear about their children so they talk openly and freely. Basically all they talk about is parenting, and pregnancy and children. I have nothing to say so i remain silent and try to tune them out. It is a lose lose situation. In one instance i want them to talk about it so there isn't an awkward uncomfortable silence like at dinner. But then when they do talk about it i just want to scream and cry and tell them how insensitive they are being. I can't win, however hard i try because my emotions take over and they are all over the place. It just makes me not want to get out of bed even more. I don't want to hang out with anyone and yet if i don't, I just might go insane. How do you change your attitude and accept what is meant to be and move on and be happy with what you have?